


Out of time

by kadanadaar



Category: GreedFall (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Obsessive thoughts, Sex, Spoilers, death mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 19:23:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20747450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kadanadaar/pseuds/kadanadaar
Summary: Constantin was running out of time. They were running out of time. He couldn't pretend any more. He didn't want to.





	Out of time

**Author's Note:**

> This IS male DeSardet/Constantin in a romantic context. There are spoilers. You've been warned. 
> 
> I don't even really have a name for my male De Sardet but since I had to pick one to write this I chose the name Nathan.
> 
> Takes place pretty soon after Constantin learns he is sick.

_I don’t want to die._

Constantin kept saying it over and over again in his head. Panic had overtaken him. All other thoughts were gone. Everything was replaced by this suffocating feeling, a constant cry stuck in the back of his throat.

_Nathan. Where was Nathan? Oh, he was going to come soon. Any minute now, surely. _

Gods, what had he done to deserve this? Was he being punished? Why was life so cruel to him? He had so much he wanted to do, so much he hadn’t said or done.

Constantin shook his head and poured himself a cup of wine with still trembling hands. It seemed like they wouldn’t stop shaking.

No, he knew what he was being punished for. If there was a God or Gods, which he highly doubted, he was pretty sure they could come up with quite a few excuses to punish him.

Or at least one.

The sound of the door in the throne room opening made him stand up so fast he got dizzy. He rushed outside his office and to the throne room without a second thought. Appearances be damned.

“Cousin!” he exclaimed in relief and rushed towards him. The guards that were on post stood up straight, but they could have been statues as they met each other and hugged tight. Constantin squeezed his eyes shut and didn’t let go. Only after a few long seconds he could bear to open them and reluctantly pulled back.

“You come bearing good tidings?” he asked as he looked at his dear cousin’s face. The grim look answered the question before Nathan softly spoke.

“Running in circles for now, I’m afraid. But I have some leads…” his voice trailed off as he looked down. He looked like a kicked puppy. Constantin squeezed his shoulders where his hands were still resting.

“You’re not giving up on me already, are you?” he meant for the question to be a joke, but it appeared his desperation seeped through his words without his consent. Nathan instantly raised his head and shook it quickly.

“Never. I’m not giving up. Constantin, I promise I will find a cure,” Nathan spoke with a passion that made his heart clench. Constantin smiled sadly.

“Good. You’re all I have now, you know,” he said.

“That’s not true.”

“It is. And that’s fine,” Constantin faked nonchalance, pulling back and waving his hand dismissively. He looked at the soldiers stationed, suddenly hating their otherwise barely noticed presence. A part of him didn’t care at all what they thought. Of the gossip they no doubt whispered as soon as their shifts were over. Of the prince falling from grace, dying in a land where everyone else seemed to prosper. Of being sent away by his father where he would be no bother anymore. No, he didn’t care about them. Damn them all. But he knew Nathan did.

“Let’s talk in my office. Let’s share a cup of wine,” he said as he started walking back towards his office door.

“Constantin, I should-”

“Please,” he paused in his steps, not looking at him, “You taking a stop before your next adventure won’t be what kills me,” he continued walking to his office, and after a pause he heard Nathan’s steps reluctantly following behind too.

Once the door to the office closed, Constantin let out a sigh of relief.

“Much better. Too many eyes out there. I don’t like how they look at me,” he started to monologue as he poured them both a fresh cup of wine. He still wouldn’t look at Nathan, but he could feel his eyes on him. Examining him. How did he appear to him now, he wondered. Did he feel sorry for him?

“I wonder how I look now. Probably already hideous. I remember seeing people on the streets back home, the ones that were a second away from death but still walking outside for some reason,” he continued, raising the cups slowly. His hands were trembling so much the liquid was almost spilling over.

“Stop.”

“Will I look like that? Or will I die before it even gets that bad? Do you think I’ll lose my sight too?”

“Constantin, stop!” Nathan held his wrist and firmly pushed it down so the cup landed back down on the table with a soft sound. Constantin bit his lip hard as he tried to hold back a sob. He looked away as he blinked back tears. Nathan rested his forehead on his shoulder.

“Stop it, Constantin,” he said, so softly now he could barely hear him. He kept holding his wrist down, but his hand slipped to his and squeezed. Constantin took a shaky breath and composed himself. Nathan’s warm touch seemed to stop his shaking, like magic. He treasured this moment of feeling him so close like this before he finally spoke.

“I can’t help it,” he said, to Nathan but also to himself for what he was feeling right now. Nathan’s touch was so warm.

“These thoughts. I can’t get rid of them. I keep picturing the end over and over again,” he said grimly. Nathan squeezed his hand harder.

“Please don’t talk like this. I will find a way,” Nathan repeated just like earlier. Maybe if he heard it enough times, he would feel less afraid.

Constantin turned back around, slowly and carefully. He gazed at Nathan’s eyes. They were so sad, and warm, and full of affection. He could feel it all, clear as day. He could see that Nathan meant every word.

“I don’t know if good intentions are enough this time I’m afraid, dear cousin,” he said and placed a hand on Nathan’s mark. He’s been trying to hide it behind a beard ever since he was old enough to grow one. Constantin’s thumb gently ran over the hair there to feel the abnormal skin underneath. In a way, the shocking news that met them both; the lies their parents told both of them, about their fake relation, the true origins of the mark…right now did he really care? What did it matter? Why did he ever care in the first place? Why, oh why did he miss so much time?

“I will die trying before I give up,” Nathan said, after apparent careful contemplation. Constantin smiled bitterly.

“There’s no reason both of us have to die for this,” he again attempted a very morbid joke. Nathan made a sound of distaste.

“Don’t talk like that. Please,” Nathan rested his forehead against his.

“I’m sorry,” Constantin realized that he was hurting him too. But he couldn’t help it. Just like he couldn’t help gaze at Nathan’s sad face, his gorgeous features, his lips being so close. So close.

“Nathan…” Just by the change of tone in his voice, Nathan seemed to understand where this was going. He pulled his head away.

“Constantin,” he responded warningly. He didn’t pull away though. Even though Constantin could see the conflict on his face, Nathan did not pull away. He could tell too, couldn’t he? That they were running out of time.

“Please,” Constantin practically pleaded. He’d plead again if he had to. Over and over again.

“I better leave-” the last part of the word was stolen by Constantin’s lips pressing against his. Oh, how much he had wanted this. For so long. So, so long.

He pulled back slightly after seeing no response to the kiss. Nathan was like a shaking statue before him. He could practically see the fight raging in his head. But he could see the want to. He wanted this too. And Constantin was too desperate, too afraid to continue pretending with him like they had been for all those years. And when he pressed his lips against his again, his whole body coursed with adrenaline as Nathan responded to his kiss.

He couldn’t recall a time when he hadn’t dreamed of doing this. Why did this occasion have to come with so much pain?

Just as a pleased sound seemed to escape them both, Nathan seemed to snap back from his trance and pulled away completely.

“No. We shouldn’t do this,” he said, breath slightly labored.

“Why not?” Constantin instantly argued, anger piling in the pit of his stomach. It wasn’t anger at Nathan. It was an anger at everything. Everyone. Everyone who had conspired for them to be in this situation.

“Why does it matter? Because we thought we were related? Because it’d be better if I had a wife and kids to please father? Cous-Nathan, we’re not even really...” he saw Nathan look away in shame, and chewed on his still tingling lips as he realized he wouldn’t help matters by spelling out why Nathan was so ashamed. Curse everybody. Curse all their lies.

“Look at me.”

“No,” Nathan shook his head and backed away, “I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I’m sorry.”

“I know you feel the same way. Look at me,” he went to touch him again but Nathan stepped further back.

“No, y-you’re wrong,” Nathan’s attempt at a lie was laughable, “You’re just confused. I’m confused.”

_Liar!_ Constantin wanted to shout at him and call him out on his lie so bad he was surprised it didn’t slip out anyway.

“After all this time you say this? At a time like this?” Constantin said clumsily. That’s not all he wanted to say, but his brain could only provide him with so much. He was overwhelmed with emotion. Anger, sadness, desperation. He was dying and he still couldn’t have him. Curse all of them.

“I’m sorry. I need to go. I’m sorry,” Nathan kept apologizing over and over again until his hand reached the door handle and opened the door to the throne room again. Constantin balled his hands into tight fists, so tight his nails almost dug in. He wanted to say more, but Nathan frustratingly used their now lack of privacy again to his advantage. Constantin could only watch him rush out of the throne room as the guards hastily stood up straight again. The sound of their boots slamming down on the wooden floor in salute as he passed was barely heard over Constantin’s labored breathing and the blood pumping against his ears.

He shakily walked over to the office door and closed it again as calmly as he could muster. He walked back to his desk and rested his palms against the wood, shoulders tense.

It took him a minute of pretending he could even attempt to calm down before he shouted in anger, knocking the cups and their contents roughly off the table. He shouted until his shout turned into sobs and he kneeled down in front of the piece of furniture and gripped he edges of the wood so hard he heard it creak in protest.

He rested his forehead against the wood as his cries died down and clutched the fabric on his chest.

_I don’t want to die. _

But in that moment, he just wanted the excruciating pain in his heart to stop.

That night, Constantin dragged himself up to his quarters. He dismissed everyone he could for the night, forbid them from coming until summoned. He couldn’t stand their stares, their judgmental looks. He’d like to see how they’d handle the knowledge that they would die soon if they were going through the same thing. Maybe they’d stop judging then. Maybe if everybody understood then Nathan wouldn’t have to be ashamed. His dear ‘cousin’. He was as much a victim as he was. Lied to for all these years, experiencing the prejudice without ever being told why. All liars. Curse all of them.

He looked at himself in the mirror as he got ready for bed. The Malichor was still not showing its more evident signs yet. The circles under his eyes could barely be excused due to sleepless nights anymore, however. His cheeks were more sunk in than usual, and he looked at his collarbone that seemed more prominent than usual. And this was just the beginning.

He forced himself to stop looking and splashed some water on his face. He bent over the bowl filled with water and stared at each drop that fell down one by one. As he heard each drop fall, he realized how agonizingly quiet everything seemed at this hour. He felt so alone. And he was so scared. He took a shaky breath as he tried to pull himself together. He convinced himself that a glass of water would make him feel better and walked to his bedroom door.

He doubted anybody could have held back the surprised yelp from what he saw just as soon as he walked out.

“Cousin?” he exclaimed in shock. His heart was still beating fast from the scare. Nathan looked at him apologetically. The light of the fireplace danced over his features and thankfully indicated to him that this wasn’t somebody else.

“How did you get here?” he asked once he collected himself.

“I…snuck past the guards. I’m sorry,” Nathan explained and rubbed the back of his neck. Constantin wasn’t really surprised. He knew that besides a diplomat, Nathan had learned to become practically a master infiltrator from all the things he had to do ever since they came to the island.

“No, don’t apologize,” Constantin shook his head, and stepped out of his room so he could see him better. He watched him, and he wasn’t sure if it was his exhaustion or resignation, but this time he decided not to say anything and just wait.

“Constantin, I…” Nathan started, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. I was just…so confused. With all that’s been going on I-” Nathan took an impatient breath. If Constantin had been mad at him from earlier, the look of torture on his face made him forgive him in a second.

“I’m making a mess of things,” Nathan scolded himself and looked down. Constantin stepped forward.

“It’s not your fault,” Constantin said. He debated whether he should risk asking for too much too soon but then still couldn’t help but raise a hand to Nathan’s face again. He gently made him look at him, and his tear filled eyes practically made him ache.

“Constantin,” Nathan breathed out, reaching up and covering his hand with his own, “I’m sorry.”

“Shh,” Constantin said softly and got closer. His heart was beating a mile a minute.

_Please don’t let this be a dream. I couldn’t take it._ He thought. But as he felt the familiar warmth of their bodies close together, the shaky breath almost tickling his face, he knew it wasn’t.

“What I said earlier…” Nathan ignored him. Constantin brought his other hand up and gently shook him, as if to stop him.

“I know,” Constantin cut him off again. He knew exactly what he was going to say.

“You do?”

“I do. I’m the same, after all,” Constantin’s confidence was about the only thing he’s ever been truly confident about in his life. About his love for him. The love they shared. Whether when they pretended it was just love between cousins or not, he knew it. Could feel and see it plain as day. Nathan was the only one who’d ever cared for him. Only one who had ever loved him.

“No more. I can’t do this alone anymore, Nathan,” he said shakily, “Please, stay with me,” his invitation filled the room with excitement and tension.

_Until the end. Stay with me until the end. _He truly wanted to say, but didn’t want to make an already grim situation worse.

“Yes, I will,” Nathan replied softly, and Constantin had to wonder if he was also answering the hidden question Constantin didn’t say out loud. As their lips met, Constantin felt a tear slide down his cheek from tears he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

All he wanted to focus on was him. His lips, his tongue, his breath mixing with his. This was all he ever wanted. His darling cousin, his Nathan, here in his arms.

_I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die._

Despite all the pent up feelings between them finally coming to the surface, Nathan’s kisses were so sweet; almost hesitant. Constantin was torn between breaking down his barriers with all the lust he had pent up and gently reassuring him.

He broke away gently and gazed at his face. He took the opportunity to admire him shamelessly against the flattering light of the fireplace. After a moment, he realized that Nathan was doing the same thing. He smiled softly.

“Come,” he said gently and held his hand as he guided him back into his bedroom. The room was much more dimly lit, with just a few candles Constantin had meant to blow out right before going to sleep. He met no resistance as he walked them over to his messy bed. He could see Nathan fidget as he sat down next to him.

“Constantin I…I’ve never done this before,” Nathan admitted. Constantin raised his eyebrows for only a split second before he smiled softly.

“It’s alright. It doesn’t matter,” he reassured him and kissed the corner of his lips softly. His hand touched his knee, and he slid it up slightly higher on Nathan’s warm thigh when he heard no resistance.

“I’ll tell you what to do,” he whispered. He didn’t particularly mean for it to sound suggestive, but he could still tell that Nathan was blushing by his words.

“Are you sure this is alright?” Nathan asked, with more seriousness in his voice this time. Constantin opened his mouth to speak before he realized what he was asking. He was asking if he was too sick to do this. Too weak.

“Yes. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” he said, tensing up a little. He knew how much Nathan worried for him. But he couldn’t let this stop them. Not when they were finally so close. He needed to feel him. Now, before it’s too late. Before his body was too far gone.

When he saw the hesitation still lingering in Nathan’s face he pressed their lips together passionately, trying to push those doubts out of his mind. It seemed to be working, and Constantin straddled him on the bed to even further prove his point. Nathan let out a surprised sound before quickly adjusting. He kissed him back again, finally showing more than uncertainty in his touch. His hands seemed to be on fire as they ran up his thighs. Constantin shivered, glad that he was only wearing his night attire. Any shame he might have felt under other circumstances didn’t even pass his mind. It was all replaced by this desperate need, this confounding desire to feel more. Before it was too late.

Nathan kissed his neck, and Constantin sighed contently as he allowed himself to treasure the feeling now that he knew Nathan would not run away. Nathan’s beard scratched him gently, and his arms wrapped around his still clothed shoulders.

“Constantin,” Nathan whispered softly against his skin. His voice was always so soft-spoken, but his voice sounded even gentler now. Every single word dripped with love, devotion. Exactly what Constantin needed.

Constantin sat back and looked down at them before back up. He slowly got off his lap and sat back on the bed, sliding back slightly and resting himself up on his elbows.

“Undress for me. I want to see you,” he whispered. Nathan was blushing, he could tell again. But he stood up still, and Constantin watched him intently as he removed every piece of clothing little by little for him. He swallowed. Gods, he was breathtaking. So utterly beautiful. Perfect in every way. He wanted to say all that but his mind had drawn a blank again.

He admired him shamelessly, eyes still glued as Nathan now got on the bed too and hovered over him.

“My turn, I suppose,” Constantin said, suddenly feeling self-conscious again. How could he follow up after that? He wasn’t well-built; he wasn’t a warrior, or an agile rogue. And now with his illness…

“Hey,” Constantin was pulled back from his thoughts as Nathan spoke, “Did I do something wrong?” Constantin had to chuckle at that.

“Are you kidding? No, of course not.” Nathan seemed to let out a sigh of relief at that. Constantin had to remind himself that Nathan might feel even more unsure due to his inexperience.

“Then…?” Nathan asked. Constantin instinctively gripped the sheets slightly as his warm hand slipped under his clothing, up his thigh and teasingly higher.

“I…oh,” Constantin’s eyes slipped shut. He practically forgot what he was worrying about as all he seemed to be able to focus on was his hand.

Once he was able to compose himself enough he sat up slightly and, with some final mental preparation removed the last piece of clothing off his body, revealing everything. He tried not to think more about it, yet still felt a pang of sorrow. He didn’t want their first time to be like this. This was not how he had imagined it. This wasn’t-

“You’re beautiful, Constantin,” Nathan kissed his cheek softly. Constantin was ready to call him a liar; after all, how could he possibly think he in his current condition was anything other than scrawny and repulsive? And yet, when he looked at his face, his big eyes looking earnestly back at him, his words died in his mouth.

As he laid back and allowed Nathan to kiss him, his eyes slipped shut. Everywhere Nathan kissed felt like it could take all his pain away. Nathan kissed from his lips to his shoulders, his collarbone and chest, and everywhere until Constantin was driven into soft pants without even realizing his arousal had been gradually increasing little by little.

Any lack of experience Nathan made up for with eagerness to please; to learn every inch of Constantin’s body, all while listening and watching him intently. Constantin guided him, guided his hand to his lower body, showed him how to prepare him for what they were about to do.

“I’m…I’m ready,” Constantin finally said, almost dizzy with desire. He gently pried Nathan’s hand away from him and, after sharing a meaningful look, laid down fully and spread his thighs for him more. The look on Nathan’s face was driving him to madness, he could hardly mask his trembling.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you,” Nathan spoke softly as he got even closer, so close the proximity yet lack of physical connection made Constantin grip the sheets.

“You could never hurt me,” he said, reaching up and pulling Nathan down for a long kiss. That seemed to put his mind at ease, and after sitting back Constantin muffled a cry as their bodies finally connected together. He tilted his head back, trying to commit these moments to memory, these seconds where every inch brought them closer together and became one. He was so overwhelmed by the sensation it was almost painful. His eyes fell shut and he focused on nothing else. Nathan was so slow and gentle, and he was unintentionally making this even more wonderful, even more arousing for him as he got used to his length.

“Hey…” Constantin felt like he was slightly waking up from his trance as Nathan brought a hand to his face and made him open his eyes.

“Are you alright? Am I-” Nathan started, but Constantin stopped him as he brought his hand up and covered his.

“Yes. More than alright,” he said through his heavy breathing, “I’m perfect,” he said and pushed back against him slightly. This was perfect. And at the same time horrible. Because the more perfect it was, the more Constantin was reminded of the reality. That he didn’t know if he’d feel this again, if they had enough time together. All he could think on the back of his head was

_I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I want to feel like this again. _

They fell into a slow and synched rhythm, and Constantin’s lips parted slightly as he closed his eyes and got lost to the pleasant sensation again. The sounds, the feeling of their bodies moving, Nathan’s heavy and uneven breathing was all he could focus on. When Nathan suddenly stopped, his eyes snapped open in confusion.

“Why did you stop?” he asked, looking at the heavily panting man above him. Nathan leaned down and kept himself up with his elbows. Constantin didn’t believe this was possible, but he looked even more handsome right now.

“I…don’t want it to end yet,” Nathan admitted, swallowing and catching his breath. Constantin was flattered, and turned his head to kiss Nathan’s arm that was by his head. Nathan leaned down more and kissed him, slowly and leisurely as Constantin wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He made a content sound, not minding the small break they were taking. But their kisses naturally turned more passionate, and Constantin tensed up and let out a small moan of surprise as Nathan started touching him. He could barely respond to the kiss now as Nathan moved his hand up and down, and his arms tightened around his shoulders.

“Nathan…” he breathed, unable to hold back his moans as Nathan continued. Somehow this felt even better than before. His body twitched, and as he felt closer he pushed back against Nathan’s body needily. Nathan responded instantly, starting to move again in time with his hand, quicker now. Their desperate moans filled the room now as they were both quickly driven to climax, and Constantin arched his back as his powerful orgasm overtook him. His nails dug in Nathan’s back, and Nathan groaned and thrust in him a few more times before finally collapsing on top of him with a breathless gasp.

Constantin was lost in his own world now as he closed his eyes, the last waves of pleasure pleasantly drugging him as they left his body slowly. He barely noticed as Nathan gently got off him, as he wiped his body gently with a cloth and then laid down next to him. When he finally opened his eyes and turned to his side to face him, he reached and laced their hands together by their heads.

“That was…”

“Yes. Yes, it was,” Constantin leaned in and kissed him softly. He still couldn’t believe this wasn’t just one of his shameful fantasies as Nathan kissed him back. So many times he had fantasied about this encounter, only to be overcome by shame and sorrow after. Now he was overcome with sorrow, but for entirely different reasons. Thankfully the high from their antics was still allowing him not to focus on it too much and just enjoy the moment with him for now.

“Were you…waiting for me, cousin?” he asked teasingly. Nathan’s eyes widened and he made an offended sound.

“Constantin!” he scowled, and Constantin chuckled quietly.

“Just kidding,” he said, though that was only partly true. He did really want to know. He wanted to hear him say it. That Nathan was waiting for him. That nobody else would do. That all he ever wanted was him. He shamelessly wanted to hear all those things. But he didn’t say it.

“…Don’t call me cousin. Not when we’re alone,” Nathan requested quietly. His eyes looked far away, and Constantin raised his eyebrows slightly.

“Do…you regret it?” he asked, dreading all but one response. But Nathan gently shook his head and squeezed their entwined fingers.

“Never,” he said softly, voice like velvet as he kissed Constantin’s wrist.

“Will you stay the night? I don’t want to be alone,” Constantin said honestly. 

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. I sent everybody away anyway,” he assured him and scooted closer. He really didn’t want to spend another moment alone. He knew that he would need to say goodbye to his cousin again soon; after all, he could trust nobody else for trying to find the cure. But for now, he wanted to pretend that the only thing he had to worry about was them being caught come morning.

“Alright. I’ll stay with you,” Nathan said with a soft smile. Constantin couldn’t remember what was the first spark that caused his love for him, but he bet his smile was one of them.

“I’ll stay with you until the end.”

Constantin didn’t know how many hours had passed. All he knew was that he could not fall asleep, even after he saw Nathan drift off to sleep by his side. After all, how could he sleep? So many things had happened in such a short amount of time. So many terrible, horrible things. And some wonderful ones.

He took a slow, steady breath, and looked out the window absentmindedly. He blinked in surprise as Nathan scooted over in his sleep, throwing an arm around him. Constantin was completely trapped as Nathan rested his head in his chest and wrapped his arms around his back. Such a simple thing. Oh…

Constantin brought a hand up to his mouth as tears filled his eyes. He swallowed back the lump in his throat and shakily kissed the top of Nathan’s head. The tears seemed to not stop coming now.

_I don’t want to die. Gods, anybody, please! I don’t want to die. I want to be with him._

**Author's Note:**

> dont look at me


End file.
